Please don't hate me too much by reading the title, okay?
So, I do this crazy thing where I write really personal things and post them on the internet. Not sure where I got that idea, or why I thought it was a good one.. BUUUUT that's not the point. The point is: I've got some explaining to do.
I remember the night that I decided I was going to serve a mission. Well.. Let’s rephrase that, because I really didn’t decide anything. I remember the night that Heavenly Father told me that I needed, and was going to, serve a mission. It happens to be one of the most sacred and special moments for me. There are few other times where I have so strongly and surely felt the spirit. I immediately told the people closet to me. I then told everyone about it. I bore my testimony about it. I blogged about it. I made a pinterest board. I’m pretty sure if they let 16 year olds serve, I would’ve been gone.
I remember there were several times in which I doubted the decision I had made to serve a mission, but every time I got down on my knees to pray, or every time I read my scriptures, I was reassured that a mission was in Heavenly Father’s plan for me, and I trusted Him. I accepted the fact that even though I had never wanted to serve a mission, I was to follow God’s plan. He knows better than I do, and I KNEW that He would never send me in the wrong direction. I trusted in Him more than I ever had before. I got the most giddy, warm feeling every time I thought about missionary work. I seriously COULD NOT wait to get one of those fancy black name tags with mine and Jesus’ name on it. I'd never been so sure, or so excited about anything in my life.
I remember there were several times in which I doubted the decision I had made to serve a mission, but every time I got down on my knees to pray, or every time I read my scriptures, I was reassured that a mission was in Heavenly Father’s plan for me, and I trusted Him. I accepted the fact that even though I had never wanted to serve a mission, I was to follow God’s plan. He knows better than I do, and I KNEW that He would never send me in the wrong direction. I trusted in Him more than I ever had before. I got the most giddy, warm feeling every time I thought about missionary work. I seriously COULD NOT wait to get one of those fancy black name tags with mine and Jesus’ name on it. I'd never been so sure, or so excited about anything in my life.
My plans started to get a little thrown off when I decided that I was going to Utah State instead of SLCC like I had originally planned. My whole family was telling me that it would be smarter to stay in Salt Lake, go to SLCC, save the money, be at home, and prepare for my mission. But it just wasn’t right. Utah State was where I needed to be. I knew it, and I knew that God knew it. Again, I KNEW that He would never send me in the wrong direction. I felt something different as my mom and I drove into Cache Valley for the first time. The first time I stepped on campus, I knew that it was where I needed to be (cheesiest thing you’ve ever heard in your life, right?). I didn’t let this throw me off too much though. Since I have a summer birthday, I would be able to complete a whole year of college, and then be off on my way to serve the Lord. No biggie.
As the end of my senior year approached, I started doubting whether serving a full time mission was right for me. But I just brushed it off as the feelings that I had every time before that, and told myself that I was to follow God’s plan, not mine.
It was about my second week up at Utah State that I realized I had a real problem (if you can call it that..?). I didn’t want to serve a mission. I didn’t. Not one bit. And it wasn’t this “on the fence” feeling like it had been when I had doubted my decision before hand. No, I really had no desire to leave this place that I’d fallen in love with so much for 18 months. Sounds pretty selfish, doesn’t it? Yeah. That’s what I told myself. I prayed, and I felt nothing. Nothing telling me “Sarah, stop being stupid, you know what you’re supposed to do". Nothing in the scriptures telling me that I was to serve. Nothing. I felt completely, and utterly lost. Heavenly Father had told me I was going to serve a mission. I knew it, I knew it, I KNEW IT. Why was He leaving me alone now?? Why did He decide that He had nothing to say to me?
BUT MY DEAR PEOPLE. HEAVENLY FATHER WILL NOT, AND DOES NOT FORSAKE YOU. (He's awesome like that. Man, I love Him)
You see, in talking with my bishop from home, I found the answer to my prayers. He said, "Well you don't have to feel pressured to go... But if you go it will be the most amazing experience of your life... But whatever happens you have to have a rock solid testimony of Jesus Christ!!!... whatever you choose will be the right thing!!!!" Whatever I choose will be the right thing... That got me.
So, for those of you that are confused.. I AM serving a mission. Just not the kind where you enter the MTC, and have one of those fancy little name tags for 18-24 months. :) Shout out to member missionaries, am I right???
Remember how I was talking about how Heavenly Father knows better than I do? And has a plan for me? Well folks, I've never been more sure of that than I am now. I don't remember who said it.. But someone said that when you have deja vu, it means you're doing the right thing. I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING. I know that I'm where God needs me, and I've decided that I'm okay with the fact He doesn't need me "in the mission field", but He needs me right here. And I cannot wait to serve Him here.
Heleman 5:12 "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."
There is nothing I love more than this gospel. Absolutely nothing. I know that I am a child of God, and I know that He loves me. I know that YOU are a child of God and HE LOVES YOU. Prayer works (in His time). If you have a Book of Mormon.. read it. People DIED for this book, you have it, read it (and if you don't, I can sure get you one!). Talk to your Heavenly Father. He's there. You're His child, and He misses you. He wants to hear from you, I promise. Get to know your Father in Heaven. Get to know your older brother, your Savior, Jesus Christ. He has literally done everything He can, He's just waiting for you. His hands are always, always, ALWAYS, outstretched. This church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, is true. I know that, because I've had to figure it out for myself. If you don't know that yet, or if you have any questions... click on this spiffy little link. mormon.org
ALSO- If you are serving one of the missions with one of those fancy name tags.. Let me know because 1- you're awesome, and 2- I would love to write you!
Sarah
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